As most people are, I’m mesmerized by the moon and stars; just the sky in general baffles me. When the sky is too pretty to bear, I have to pull over so I don’t have a wreck, driving and looking out of my window at the same time.
When I was doing research for this piece, the more information I found, the more every detail came into place. Every 20ish years there’s a “Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn,” and on December 21, 2020, we had the closest one we’ve had in 800 years. These two planets are the largest in our solar system, thus the title, “great” conjunction. I don’t subscribe to the belief in astrological signs and whatnot for many reasons, but I do think that God speaks to us through His creation (though not in a necessarily formulaic way). Psalm 19 says that “the heavens declare His glory”! He also gave us a rainbow for a sign of his covenant- God’s attention to detail will never stop astounding me.
It’ll be 2040 before this “great conjunction” happens again, but it won’t be as close as it was in 2020 for centuries. When I realized that I missed seeing this I felt a little sad- it doesn’t happen often, and they won’t be that close again in my lifetime. But some things are meant to drift apart.
I like to paint catastrophe, not because I want it, but because I know if given the chance, I would unknowingly create it. If I was in control, planets would get too close and explode and the stars would follow suit. In my own life, (a drop in the ocean when considering eternity) I pine over my lack of control. I want some sense of where I’m going. That’s why I latch on to any reality that seems probable; even if it’s to my own detriment. Even if it makes me a shadow of myself.
Deconstructing my own invented realities is far from easy. That’s why I write so much- Freud says a lot that I think is far fetched, but he makes a point when he’s talking about our subconscious manifesting itself through writing and dreams - I would add to that, through art (and maybe he did mention art, I’m no psych student). I pay a lot more attention to all of those things than I used to. I don’t want to bury my head under the sand, and miss the writing on the wall. I don’t want to ignore cracks in rose colored glasses.
“The Great Conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter” had its moment, but beautiful things don’t always last. There’s no point in squinting your eyes, trying to see signs in the sky that simply aren’t there. There’s no point in slow dancing in a forest fire or driving 100 in a 35 or pretending you’re not losing something good in yourself. Some beginnings are only means to an end.
This painting and this epistle has been in the works since early September. I keep on adding to it, because I have quite the tendency to dig at graves that should be left alone. This story has felt like something never ending. It's something I'd love to complete, but I can't make any promises.
I don't believe myself to just be a puppet on a string, but I do believe in a will beyond my own. That's a complicated thing to comprehend and a near impossible thing to try and pen down. Long story short, the sky would have fallen by now if I had my way, and I would have watched it fall, thinking "what a pretty lightshow." It was this perspective that went into this painting- I'm thankful to be able to see beauty in chaos and "create" out of what's given to me, rather than from nothing. What a mess I would make if I had my way.
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